So it’s been a WHILE. I am back though, my next update will be an 11 month update, because I think I really need to get back on the bandwagon of doing things and just being a general person. This is a really frank and honest post, and I think it’s just because as I’m getting older, the same patterns I see in my life are getting tired and old, and I just think I’m at a crossroads, where I have to do some serious renovations or I’m going to spontaneously combust.
I am seriously, seriously, seriously frustrated with my life.
I didn’t think finding good people would be like finding a needle in a haystack, I didn’t think finding someone who appreciated me would be near impossible. I didn’t think I’d doubt myself, or beat myself up so much. When I was 12 I thought by 25 I would have my shit together. I’d be a famous author, ah my passion for reading and writing, whatever happened to that? The only writing I do on a daily basis is burning through the pages of my journal. The reason I’m writing this, because I think a lot of people feel this way, even the happy positive bubbly people that make out like they’ve got their shit together but they’ve got their own stuff, trust. It’s just that they’ve got better perspective. I try my best, so very hard to resist the negativity, but some days, It gets too much because I get sick of people and the world telling me what I am. Granted, you shouldn’t place your worth in people, but it gets difficult drowning out the noise. So, this year I’m going to be 26, have I achieved what I thought I’d want? no. Because to be frank, I lost sight of myself a long time ago, and some demons got in the way, so I really don’t even know what I want, and my biggest fear is getting to 50 and finally working out what I would have wanted at this time, and just feeling the biggest regret, the kind of regret that is gut wrenching and would just make me well up everytime I thought about it. Life is hard. And I’ve taken my eyes off my lane so much that I’m in a position where I’m just lost and wondering in the wilderness, really confused, and really fighting a serious internal battle. The civil war inside myself, is agonising.
I just want, to have a system where I can throw off carnal things. The seven deadly sin’s, peoples bullshit, life’s bullshit, certain event’s and experiences. A system where I can throw it off and keep it pushing and just stay in my lane and keep looking forward to I can reach the finish. I’m trying to change the way I view life, and unlearn all the bad stuff because really and truly, the way I am doesn’t work for me anymore, this system is obsolete. I want to be free. I always feel… heavy, my heads heavy, that’s why I journal everyday because my thoughts have to go somewhere, they weigh me down too much. That’s why I meditate, so when my mind goes into overdrive I have some kind of control to calm things down. I think this is the most honest blog post I’ve written, I didn’t think at 25 I’d be such a mess, but I do believe everything is as it should be, and I am where I’m supposed to be because this was the path god chose for me, and he’s trying to draw something out of me. Now I wish I knew what that something was 🙂 . I’ve got this new thing where I count the positives and I’m brutally honest in my diary. I literally leave my soul on the page, the good, the bad and the ugly. Then I adjust my dial and think what are the positives in my life or that have happened today. I think it does work, but like I said it’s an internal fight. The thing is something has changed, my faith. I do have faith in myself that I will overcome this incredibly long, long, long, season in my life. It will be 8 years this year since this dark part of my life started, that is a long time, and it’s been really difficult but even typing that maybe I should give myself props for being resilient and actually being here and literally dragging myself along the floor by my fingernails through the dark dark arduous times.
I’m having a bad day today, but before a bad day was me not eating, not getting out of bed, beating myself up figuratively and literally and feeling really scared. But today I woke up, worked out, dressed myself to the gawwwwwds with some heels and headed to the library and I’m here typing this up. So well done to me. And well done to you. So now, i’m going to pray, I’m going to pray really hard for god to just help me, and talk to him and tell him everything that’s burdening me and ask him to give the strength to overcome. I need to engage in spiritual warfare, the battle of the mind is no joke, and I know he’ll come through for me, and guide me to the right frame of mind, and just give me courage and hope. Good. If this post resonated with you in anyway, I feel you, I get you, and I’m going to pray for you too. I have faith in you and whatever demon’s you’re battling I pray you can overcome them.
Lots of love